Surviving the dreams.

I felt fragile under his hold, so fragile that I thought I would shatter into pieces the next second. 

***

Have you ever wanted to bear a child at the age of 16? Have you ever had the chance to do so? What if you did have a chance? Would you?

***

I had just turned 17 a month ago and could already feel the jitters setting in. Jitters of nearing adulthood, but was I ready yet? The answer never really kicked in.

I was in high school when I met Kabir, the cute guy next door. Ever since, I had been imagining my future and a sweet parenthood with him. So much so, I wasn't surprised when I found myself craving a sight of him over the subsequent days. But we were not meant to be. 

***

We had a stay back in school on one of the many afternoons during the winter of 2012. After the session got over, I decided to walk down from school to home. The distance wasn't as much as it seemed it was. Just as I was halfway through, I felt a tug at my ponytail and a gripping force at my belly which made me go black in the mind. His hand covered my mouth so I couldn't scream, tasted like corroded iron, which i could'nt push away. Before I even knew it, I found myself in the backyard of an old house which seemed almost half a century old by the look of it. I was thrown on the ground by this rather filthy looking man who seemed to belong to a fine family. Next, I saw another man in a similar look, then another and another and I lost sight before I could count how many of them surrounded me. All I could do was lie there on a ground full of haystacks and mud while each of them took their turns. One after the other, without break, and certainly without any mercy. Just when they were done and I lay there exhausted and gang-raped by god-knows-how-many men, I seemed to regain consciousness which was enough for me to realize what just happened to me.

I could feel the vehicle moving and a few minutes later, I was pushed out of the car door. It was completely dark by then, my parents had gone crazy looking for me, worrying if I was alright. Of course, I wasn't. 

I didn't know what to do, I didn't know where to go, I just didn't know anything. All i knew was, that i was wasted. Believing what they say about parents, "They always love you, no matter what", I knocked at the front door of my house and was greeted by my father who looked more shocked than worried at that moment. By just glancing at me from head to toe, he knew what had happened to his 17-year old young daughter. He just didn't know how and by whom. 

I underwent all the trauma post that incident, going to rehab, consulting doctors and psychologists, counselling sessions. Eventually, I recovered well in time to lead a normal life again. But was it ever going to be normal again?  

However, no sooner than two months I was taken to a gynaecologist who broke the news of pregnany to me. My mom, who stood beside me- both literally and metaphorically- passed out on the chair as the doctor's words poured in her hears.  Who ever imagined a 17-year old, fantasizing about a young one with her mate, would be forced by the haunting desires of some men, to bear the fruit of what they had sown, inside of her.

***

She gave birth to a baby girl, as beautiful as her, staring back at her with a world full of possibilities. Her daughter, Mia, became her dream. Not the one she dreamt, but the one she survived.